There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
