Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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