I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
