How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize