Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
