You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
