i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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