sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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