the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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