My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He passed out mid-signature
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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