nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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