textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
