Duck Duck Cougar?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
