WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
