His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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