Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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