new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
