YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
