I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He had one of those small greek statue penises
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize