how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
