Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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