in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
