Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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