I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
