Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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