Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
