The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
