Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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