My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
