Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
that's an acceptable place to lick
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
