btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
