First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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