yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
