my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I will pee on everything he values.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize