I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
