actually, I'm a sock model
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
