today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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