Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
