So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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