I should be sponsored by Trojan
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
