ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I wish you could order shots online.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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