im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
