did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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