yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
