I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
