Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
