i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
