I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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