Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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