it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
