If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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