You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
