"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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