ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
