Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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