the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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