I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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