how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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