I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
