Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize