Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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